a (wedding) tangent.

I'm going on a food tangent today.  

In the 2 months since getting engaged I've become a ball of stress so much so that I have questioned my own sanity and whether or not having a wedding is really worth it.  I know this is not typical. That as a girl I am supposed to have an ingrained desire to plan the most romantic day of my life.  I am supposed to dream in tulle and pink roses and get butterflies when I think about our first dance.  In actuality all I think about is how much I can't stand large floral centerpieces and that Tyler and I are the worst dancers ever.  (No really.  I lack all sense of rhythm and well Tyler lacks the ability to move in a fluid manner.)   

I keep asking myself if this is how it's suppose to be.  If there is a better way.  On my mile long walks to and from work, I make plus and minus lists in my head where I debate the points of having a small City Hall wedding followed by a decadent meal at Eleven Madison Park vs. having the larger rustic/industrial wedding that I've always envisioned.  I wonder to myself whether or not I have gotten caught up in the hype that seems to be generated by an industry that looks to convince you that if you don't have wood farm tables and peonies at your wedding that you are a failure and will never be on Style Me Pretty.  I wonder if I would be happy forever being engaged.  

When I think about the costs, the dollars we will spend to have this day, I get queasy.  I feel nauseous.  I almost throw up.  I wonder to myself if it's really worth Tyler and I emptying a good chunk of our savings on one day.  I wonder how others do it.  Do they go into debt for a wedding?  Do their families pay for the entire thing?  Do they simply go to City Hall followed my burgers at Shake Shack and call it a day?  At the end of it all, are they happy with the decision that they've made?  At the end of the day will I be happy with anything less then what I've envisioned?  

I don't enjoy being the center of attention.  I stress about people spending money on me.  I value others happiness over my own.  I've finally realized that this thing isn't about just us but about everyone else as well.  I can't imagine not having all of the people who have known us before we were us, all the people who met us as we figured us out, and all the people we've met over the last couple of years not being there.  They are a part of our larger story.  They are the reason we've reached this point.  They are as integral to this wedding as Tyler and I are.  That is why at this exact moment I am going through 12 years worth of music in an attempt to remind myself why I want what I want.  There is a reason why I want to dance with my friends and family until 2 in the morning and the reason is that I want to celebrate.  I want Tyler and I to start this next stage of our lives with a really epic party.  A party people will talk about for years and years to come.  A party we will talk about, reminisce about, for years to come.

I know when we reach the forgone conclusion of how this day, this momentous occasion will be handled, that it will make sense.  That I will wonder why I stressed so much.  That all the pieces will have actually fallen into (perfect) place. As long as at the end of all this (however it ends), I get to marry the guy who for the past 8+ years has made me deliriously happy, we'll then I'll know it was worth it.  (Because isn't that the point?)

Let's just hope I make it to that point.  

(Tomorrow, we will talk about food again.)  

Image via the ever reliable Pinterest.